Circle Jerk

Is everyone else oh so very over the circle jerk that that is the cast and director of Lincoln? I watched those interviews with those blowholes on The Oprah Channel and my god these people with the compliments!
It just seems like it was one “Oh yes, working with Steven, he’s remarkable.” and a “Daniel was so entwined with his character…” after another.
And it’s like OH MY GOD WE GET IT WHITE PEOPLE ARE AWESOME.
Uuugh, and the Oscars: will we have to watch Jean Dujardin perform a verbal anallingus on Daniel Day-Lewis?
The answer is yes, and all I can say is I’d rather watch him actually preform anallingus than sit there and listen to it.
Also, I get it: it’s an important story and blah blah blah but I have had enough of it already.

Oh yeah i meant to tell you:

I went to the Fiona Apple concert a week ago and it CHANGED MY LIFE. For the better. So I’m a little better than you.

Captain Brunch

So I’ve never been a big fan of breakfast. If I do eat it, it’s usually accompanied by a cartoon character pushing it’s sugary realness by telling me how gr-r-reat it is.
Breakfast is just dressed-up bread. Pancakes, waffles, muffins, french toast, it’s all one form of bread mixed with some other sweet shit made to irritate my stomach. If I wanted bread, I’d eat a loaf of it. And eggs, who just sits around and craves eggs? No one, that’s who, poor people eat eggs when there’s nothing left in the fridge. I’ll eat eggs on my own terms, scrambled, with cheese, burned, and when I have no money in my bank account.
My friends have been doing brunch lately, and I begrudgingly come along. I’ve been taught that “brunch” is the time in-between “breakfast” and “lunch” hence the (uncute) mixture of the two words. I assume this is somewhere between 9am and noon. My grandfather used to make us go to brunch after church, during these hours. Restaurants seem to be serving this shit well up until 2pm! Put yourself in this hypothetical: you’re hungry, decide to go and eat at an establishment at 1pm, you would most likely expect lunch. The meal in the middle of the day, SINCE IT’S THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY. Instead, these dicks running the eatery impose their fascist bullshit “brunch” upon you. No burgers. No frenchfries. No chicken sandwiches. Just stupid egg-tacos and hotcakes.
Sure, they have bottomless mimosas, but at what cost? I’ll tell ya what cost, at the cost of those poor uneaten pizzas and hamburgers.
I feel like I’m the only one in the world who hates breakfast. Whenever this fact is revealed, it’s met with: “What’s wrong with you?” and “How can you not like breakfast?” Well, because it’s the worst thing to happen to meals, that’s how.

Lets Talk About Boys:

I’ve been thinking a lot a lot about homo-sex and our homo qualifications of sexual identity, what defines us as men, and how we express that. Dane has me thinking about this, mostly because of his brilliant grindr profile.

There seems to be a prominent, more accepted, and sexually arousing male archetype everyone flocks to. “Well, I’m a man, I like men.” seems to be said with this disdain, like not every male with a penis isn’t a MAN. Sure, I’m sexually attracted to men, but i don’t think there should be a clear distinction between MEN and the Sissy Boy.

I’ve heard this on numerous occasions: “No, I probably wouldn’t date him, he’s too Fem for me.” Which INFURIATES the hell out of me. We aren’t just men, we are Gay Men, we not only get to have sex with other men, we get to have an entirely new set of rules, an entirely different way of showing off our sexuality. That’s our interplay, this beautiful grey area between what everyone else considers masculine and feminine. Even our sex has this glorious interplay, we get to top AND bottom, how awesome is that?

I’m not putting down the Homo-Manly-Man by any means, there’s a place for the “hetero-normative” homo, but how we view it is backwards. The Fem Boy, the Bottom Boy, the Sissy Boy is the most manly. The boys that are viewed as Fem have more balls to walk out in heels and live their life. And that’s sexy. A sexy man flirts with the idea of femininity and doesn’t put down guys for being “too gay”.

I’m done hearing “straight-acting”, fuck you, I’m gay-acting.

Let’s Just Say

I talk about my sex life a lot. It might sometimes be embellished for twitter, but for the most part I’m free and eager to talk about it in person, with friends, with strangers, with white people. I don’t know if maybe I’m having a crisis of self-doubt or what, but i’m thinking of gathering all my past sexcapades and referring to them with one fictional man’s name. (also, anytime i write any word that resembles “Escapade” i always have to play Janet Jackson, imagine me now, singing in my underwear: “Sex. Ca. Pade. We’ll have a good time…”)

I know i’m pretty slutty, but i like to think of myself in the feminist Slut, someone who uses their sexuality for fun, someone who is empowered by it. And I’m older and forgetful, i cant remember every fella’s name. I don’t think i’m sex-shaming myself, i just think it’ll be easier to clearly make a point by saying “Oh, i LOVED when So-and-So would kiss me on the This-and-That, and he’d make my What’s-His-Name shoot loads of What’s-It-Called.”

But i can’t think of a suitable name to call him. It cant be really anyone i know, or was actually romantical with. It cant be too weird, i guess, because then its obvious: “When Count Axel Ferson and i used to make sexytime…” sounds like i’m making something up.

any suggestions?

Watched the Trailer to Hunger Games:

Never read the Hunger Games. Don’t know anything about it. Watched the trailer and here’s what I’m assuming it’s about:

Two ridiculously good-looking people in the woods, but also live in a concentration camp, discuss leaving and moving to the woods. There’s spaceships out there, be careful. Then the main character girl is comforting another younger/smaller girl (her sister? her lover?) about not getting picked (for what?). Then Elizabeth Banks (who looks like she raided the closet of Ziggy Stardust) says “Primrose Everdeen” (which isn’t even a name, if i new a dude/chick with the name “Primrose Everdeen” i would assume they were making that name up and i would make fun of them and people would think i’m insensitive) and then Primrose’s lover gets very upset and tributes volunteers and there’s screaming and crying. The lesbians’ son from The Kids Are Alright gets picked too.

Something about 24 people and only one coming out (of where, isn’t explained). Then Lenny Kravitz gives a science fiction version of ”The Merry Old Land of Oz” makeover to the pretty girl. The gay guy from Devil Wears Prada laughs. Woody Harrelson wears the exact same wig he wore in A Scanner Darkly as he trains white people on the art of survival. Then they put the girl in a tube and she runs around the woods for a while.

The End?

Can We Talk About Bad Girls Club?

Watched an episode of Bad Girls Club for the very first time yesterday, and let’s take some time discussing plot lines the Oxygen Network is transmitting for our viewing pleasure, shall we?

In this episode (Season 8, episode 8), the girls (I’m assuming they’re all bad) invite some boys (Also these boys must be Bad Boys) over to the house. One girl with the neon hair gets mad because these men couldn’t pay for pizza. They streak in their backyard. They are then sent (by whom? God?) to Lake Havasu, where they drink on a boat, and then go on an outing to a club. At the club half of the Bad Girls are dancing on a table, while the other half get mad because they are dancing on the table. So four out of the seven girls go back to the hotel and lock the other girls out.

Back at the hotel, the girls stab an inflatable palm tree with a knife. The girls left back at the bar get angry because they were deserted. One girl yells a lot and then hits a wall with her hand. The next day, one of the Bad Girls break another Bad Girl’s necklace. The End.

I don’t think I’m over-simplifying things, this is the episode’s most interesting plot points. How pissed would we all be if Walter White took a minute off his busy schedule cooking meth to break a person’s plastic necklace (and spend 13 minutes of the episode talking about it)? Or if Don Draper poked some holes in an inflatable palm tree? Or if Sofia Vergara took 20% of an episode of Modern Family being angry somebody couldn’t pay for pizza (actually, that might be funny)?

I’m not telling you i dislike reality television, there is more plot in the first three minutes of any episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race than in the excruciating hour it took to watch Bad Girl’s club. Have they run out of things to do on tv? Why are these things interesting to people? Why have i wasted 1,1933 characters on a post on Bad Girls? Can somebody save me? Hold on, I’m going to watch another episode.