Pissing people off on twitter is exactly like pissing people off in nursing homes. You’re not real people, so what does it matter?
Trying to lift myself our of this terrible mood. Anybody got a big dick or a beer I can sit on?
Thinking about that last episode of E.R. and it’s making me cry.
Tonight’s one of those listen-to-Fiona-Apple-and-cut-myself kinda nights.
You guys are sooo awesome, thanks for the love. Rimjobs, FOR THE REALS.
Spent the entire day inside recuperating from a stomach flu. If I wasn’t so skinny, I’d be just lazy.
Someday, I’m gonna get to do that thing where they go in for the handshake but I hug them instead.
I haven’t eaten for two days and I still need to poop? I JUST DON’T GET IT.
What’s it called to Facebook-stalk yourself? Facebookerbation? because that’s what i’m doing.
“Ball sack” seems derogatory, I use “man-purse”.
how to speak internets:
I wish i knew what the FUCK people were saying on the internet, emoticons, and all those FUCKING ACRONYMS. but one day, i will understand them, and when that day comes, i will refuse to use them in any capacity, except in bathroom stalls to describe bowel movements. also, today i’ve been thinking about virgins, seriousness, how little i know/care to know about politics, and just how much...
Bottoms bottoms everywhere and not a DROP TO DRINK.
Who wants to entertain me sexually? DEEEE EMMMMMM.
How self-hating am I that I dress up for the breederbars , but never gaybars? Is it my version of “I’m better than you, you hetero-slob”?
doing one of those stupid survey things, because...
(A) Age: 25 (B) Bed Size: fullsize, or queen (which may say much about how often i buy sheets) (C) Chore You Hate: i’ve always had a really complicated relationship with dishes. (D) Dogs? are wretched, i hate all animals. (E) Essential Start Your Day Item: right hand. (F) Favorite Color: blue, but mostly purple. (G) Gold or Silver? nope. (H) Height: five eight, or so. (I) Instruments...
For me, workplace sexual harassment “no” doesn’t mean “no”. “No” means, “just not on camera.”
I thought I’d eventually get what “capital HIM” means, but it’s confusing and weird. Is it just some taller man?
Making drunk Facebook mistakes. So yeah.
verlieren asked: By love you mean some of the jello I extracted from my pussy earlier, right?
i’m drinking vodka and thinking about virgins, yarmulkes, that Lady GaGa interview with Anderson Cooper, and how bored i am at work like all day. I don’t use Tumblr like most do, it’s like basically my twitter but shittier. so, i’m going to try harder and use it like it was meant for. so yeah, send me some love guys. maybe i’ll try a little harder…
I really need some lotion. This dick isn’t gonna jerk itself.
What color is Asian semen? Math?
I love when they say “His First Time” and then he sucks dick like Paris Hilton.
I’m really into baking lately. But real quick, what do I set my oven to for meth?
Public urination is inevitable.
Ah typos, my sweet friend. This smartphone is only as smart as its user.
Weirdly enough, I got the same message from “Supermodel” as I did from “Born This Way”. Sashay! Shante! http://twitpic.com/3yqzs2
Gonna star anything with the word “blowjob” in it.
Lady GaGa comes out with a new song and all the gays literally shit glitter. I guess it’s a biological reaction?
One of my biggest fears is getting hit by a truck while listening to Kenny G.
Oh yeah, thanks everybody for the RTs, stars, FFs, also hello new followers. Just get in line for your blowjobs.
It grosses me out that people grow people inside of themselves. There HAS to be a better way.
I’m thinking of starting a vlog. But I really hate German food, doing the dishes, and ABBA. I should look up what vlog means.
It’s my strict belief that nuts ruin all chocolate. Unless it’s a black man.
What terrible secret is Katie Holmes hiding under that peacoat? I hope it’s a dragon.
this bagel is like… my Jesus.
The cold makes me feel hungover. Oh wait.
I’m so bundled up I could ROB SOMEBODY: http://twitpic.com/3w00jf